I Believed That I Identified As a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Made Me Uncover the Actual Situation

In 2011, a few years before the acclaimed David Bowie show launched at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I declared myself a lesbian. Until that moment, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had wed. By 2013, I found myself approaching middle age, a freshly divorced mother of four, residing in the United States.

At that time, I had started questioning both my gender identity and sexual orientation, looking to find answers.

I entered the world in England during the early 1970s - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my peers and I didn't have Reddit or digital content to consult when we had questions about sex; instead, we looked to celebrity musicians, and throughout the eighties, everyone was challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer donned masculine attire, The Culture Club frontman wore feminine outfits, and musical acts such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured performers who were openly gay.

I wanted his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his angular jaw and flat chest. I aimed to personify the artist's German phase

During the nineties, I passed my days driving a bike and dressing like a tomboy, but I reverted back to femininity when I opted for marriage. My spouse transferred our home to the America in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an irresistible pull back towards the male identity I had once given up.

Given that no one experimented with identity as dramatically as David Bowie, I chose to devote an open day during a summer trip back to the UK at the museum, hoping that possibly he could guide my understanding.

I lacked clarity precisely what I was looking for when I stepped inside the show - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the richness of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, as a result, stumble across a hint about my true nature.

Quickly I discovered myself standing in front of a compact monitor where the film clip for "that track" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking sharp in a slate-colored ensemble, while off to one side three backing singers in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had witnessed firsthand, these characters weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Placed in secondary positions, they had gum in their mouths and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, apparently oblivious to their diminished energy. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the backing singers, with their thick cosmetics, ill-fitting wigs and too-tight dresses.

They gave the impression of as ill-at-ease as I did in female clothing - frustrated and eager, as if they were hoping for it all to end. Just as I recognized my alignment with three men dressed in drag, one of them tore off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Of course, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to rip it all off and emulate the artist. I craved his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his angular jaw and his masculine torso; I aimed to personify the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. However I found myself incapable, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as homosexual was a different challenge, but transitioning was a much more frightening prospect.

It took me further time before I was prepared. During that period, I made every effort to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and threw away all my women's clothing, shortened my locks and began donning male attire.

I altered how I sat, changed my stride, and changed my name and pronouns, but I paused at hormonal treatment - the possibility of rejection and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

Once the David Bowie display completed its global journey with a engagement in New York City, after half a decade, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be something I was not.

Standing in front of the familiar clip in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge didn't involve my attire, it was my body. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been wearing drag throughout his existence. I desired to change into the man in the sharp suit, dancing in the spotlight, and now I realized that I could.

I booked myself in to see a physician shortly afterwards. It took additional years before my transition was complete, but none of the things I anticipated occurred.

I still have many of my feminine mannerisms, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I desired the liberty to play with gender following Bowie's example - and given that I'm content with my physical form, I am able to.