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Bog Standard

Toilet humor has traditionally served as the comfort zone in everyday journalism, and publications remain attentive regarding memorable lavatory incidents and milestones, especially in relation to football. Readers were entertained to discover that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles has a West Brom-themed urinal in his house. Spare a thought for the Barnsley fan who took the rest room a little too literally, and needed rescuing from an empty Oakwell stadium post-napping in the lavatory at half-time during a 2015 defeat versus the Cod Army. “He had no shoes on and misplaced his cellphone and his hat,” elaborated a Barnsley fire station spokesperson. And everyone remembers when, at the height of his fame playing for City, the controversial forward visited a nearby college to access the restrooms back in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then entered and inquired the location of the toilets, subsequently he entered the faculty room,” a pupil informed local Manchester media. “After that he was just walking through the school as if he owned it.”

The Lavatory Departure

Tuesday represents 25 years to the day that Kevin Keegan resigned from the England national team after a brief chat within a restroom stall with FA director David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, subsequent to the memorable 1-0 setback against Germany in 2000 – England’s final match at the famous old stadium. As Davies recalls in his journal, his confidential FA records, he stepped into the wet troubled England locker room immediately after the match, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams “fired up”, both players begging for the official to reason with Keegan. After Dietmar Hamann's set-piece, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a distant gaze, and Davies discovered him collapsed – reminiscent of his 1996 Liverpool behavior – in the corner of the dressing room, saying quietly: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Collaring Keegan, Davies tried desperately to save the circumstance.

“Where on earth could we find [for a chat] that was private?” stated Davies. “The tunnel? Full of TV journalists. The locker room? Packed with upset players. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with the national coach while athletes jumped in the pool. Only one option presented itself. The restroom stalls. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history took place in the vintage restrooms of a venue scheduled for destruction. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Leading Kevin into a compartment, I secured the door behind us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm gone. I'm not suitable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I can’t motivate the players. I can't extract the additional effort from these athletes that's required.’”

The Consequences

Consequently, Keegan quit, later admitting that he had found his stint as England manager “empty”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I began working with the visually impaired team, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's a tremendously tough role.” Football in England has advanced considerably over the past twenty-five years. For better or worse, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers have long disappeared, while a German now sits in the dugout where Keegan once perched. Tuchel's team is considered among the frontrunners for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football acts as a memory that circumstances weren't consistently this positive.

Current Reports

Follow Luke McLaughlin at 8pm UK time for Women's major tournament coverage regarding Arsenal versus Lyon.

Today's Statement

“We stood there in a lengthy line, in just our underwear. We were the continent's finest referees, top sportspeople, examples, adults, parents, strong personalities with great integrity … but no one said anything. We barely looked at each other, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously as we were summoned forward in pairs. There Collina inspected us completely with a freezing stare. Quiet and watchful” – previous global referee Jonas Eriksson shares the degrading procedures match officials were formerly exposed to by ex-Uefa refereeing chief Pierluigi Collina.

Daily Football Correspondence

“What’s in a name? There’s a poem by Dr Seuss named ‘Too Many Daves’. Has Blackpool experienced Excessive Steves? Steve Bruce, together with staff Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been shown through the door marked ‘Do One’. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to manage the main squad. Total Steve progression!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and distributed some merchandise, I've chosen to type and offer a concise remark. Ange Postecoglou states that he picked fights in the schoolyard with youngsters he knew would beat him up. This pain-seeking behavior must justify his choice to sign with Nottingham Forest. As a lifelong Spurs supporter I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning along the Trent, should he survive that period, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|